Elder Mediation: A Great Option to Diffuse Family Tensions When Planning for Elder Care

Can’t we all just get along?  

I see it more and more and it really saddens me: families unable to “get along” when it comes to decision making for elder loved ones. It can be as simple as whether Mom and/or Dad need to meet with an Elder Law Attorney, to concerns over finances and inheritance issues, to whether siblings agree on who should serve as primary caregiver, and/or to whether assisted living/nursing home care is necessary.

Often as family members age, family dynamics can become more complicated. Conflicts that have simmered below the surface can boil up and make conversation impossible. Sometimes the elders are involved in the discussions, but unfortuntately sometime they are too far gone to meaninfully participate.

Either way, even the most harmonized family can sometimes hit a bad note or two and require some assistance.

(Dun, dun, dun, dun!) Enter the Elder Mediator. Mediation provides an opportunity for the Elder and all concerned members of the family to participate in creating a thoughtful plan for future. In most cases Elder Law Attorneys can act as Elder Mediators with certain issues. However the scope of the disagreements can often rest in other issues that are not related to the elder law topic. An Elder Mediator, working closely with your Elder Law Attorney, is trained to assist families in identifying the real issues, separating them from the crucial issues of planning for elder care, and developing the best plan of care.

National Public Radio has recognized the usefulness of elder mediation for families dealing with aging issues.

As baby boomers age and options for their care increase, we will all face many difficult choices concerning how we handle transitions during our elders’ declining years. Families will have to be able to evaluate resources, options and develop flexible strategies to support their elders. Even when not legally competent to make decisions, it is important to include an elder’s wishes and expressed preferences when putting a plan into place. Elder mediation is a rational first step for families to help them address their changing needs while enhancing problem solving/communications skills and avoiding messy litigation.

Major Life Events Provide an Opportunity for your Estate Plan Review

Last night I spoke at the Lutheran Health Care Center in Worcester. One attendee asked, “How often should I review my current estate plan?” It is very important to review your family’s financial and estate plan at least every 3-5 years. The general rule is that the older you are, the more frequent your reviews should be.

Another way to determine when you should schedule a review is when you or your family is/will be experiencing a major life event. Some examples of major life events include:

• Marriage (yourself or your child)
• Divorce (yourself or your child)
• Birth of a child or grandchild
• Death of a spouse or child
• Change jobs with significant increase or decrease in income
• Retirement
• Purchase new/additional real estate
• You move to another state or country
• Start, close, or sell a business
• Major Illness or disability of self, spouse, or child
• Life Insurance/annuities
• Wanting to make major gifts to friends, family, and/or charity
• Major change in tax law

So, how are you supposed to keep track of “major changes in tax law?” Don’t worry. That’s where I come in. Every time there is a major change in a tax or estate planning law thay may effect your estate plan, I’ll send a letter out to you informing you of the change and suggest an estate plan review. Additionally, you’ll receive a similar letter if I haven’t sat down with you in the last five years.

As more major life events, how can I keep track of when ALL my clients have a baby, get divorced, change jobs, retire, etc. I’d love to, however, simply put, I can’t. That’s where you come in. Always remember to keep your estate planning and elder law attorney informed when major life events occur. That way I can determine if a review is necessary for your particular situation.

Why I Also Make Housecalls

While some clients book traditional consultations at my office, I always make myself available for home visits with my clients. While the idea of a housecall has gone the way of black & white televisions, I find that meeting clients in their home, on their “turf,” helps make what is usually an emotional process, a bit more comfortable. In their home, clients tend to be more relaxed and at ease. The conversation goes a different way and I can sense the pride they have in sharing their home with someone. Coffee and tea flow more easily and taste better from your favorite mug than a styrofoam cup.

As an elder law attorney, our conversation eventually moves to the business at hand and it’s much much easier for a client to get an idea of what they’ll be leaving behind if the items are right there. Important paperwork is never forgotten as it’s right where the client always keeps it. Clients tend to be more thoughtful and less distracted when in a familiar environment. With so much legal language to deal with, it’s better for a client to be relaxed and more attentive.

Ultimately, a home visit allows me to get to know my client and understand their needs better. It gives me the chance to be attentive to them without outside distraction. With seniors, I can also see their current state of living, if they have all the things they need and maybe attend to some previously unaddressed issues. What many might see as a bother – a housecall – I consider an honor and a blessing.